


My husband...

by khughes830



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-14 09:13:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 10,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28918143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khughes830/pseuds/khughes830
Summary: I’m basically using Eli McCann’s Tweets as David and Patrick prompts.  NOT A WIP - will be updated as I have time to troll his old tweets and write a short moment or two.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 187
Kudos: 302





	1. 9 P.M.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on his pinned tweet:
> 
> For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hand, looked at me adoringly, and said ‘I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.’ (8/2/2020)

Patrick wasn’t sure how this was going to go over, but he really wanted to give David something that felt like his old life. Not that David spent a lot of time wishing out loud that he could have what he had in New York, but at times David seemed too big for this town, this part of the country. So when he got a notification from one of the gay bars he followed on social media about an all night party/fundraiser for a homeless shelter that catered to LGBTQIA kids and young adults, he thought it would be something David would enjoy. 

David spent hours picking out the right outfit, doing his hair, seeming to vibrate in his seat as they drove into Toronto. He thought David felt right at home as he slid up to the bar, ordering them both overpriced drinks.  _ It’s for a good cause _ Patrick thought to himself every time the bartender told them to the total for the drinks. 

They danced, met new people, even made out a little bit on the dance floor. But as they closed in on midnight, Patrick could start to feel it in his bones - he was tired. This wasn’t something he enjoyed. But seeing the lights on David’s face as they moved around the club, he would pull as many all nighters as he had to to give David some of what he used to have. 

At a little after midnight, David laced his fingers with Patrick’s. 

“Wanna head home?” He asked.

Patrick nodded, weaving them out of the club and back to the car. As they got buckled, David glanced over at him.

“Can we get some food?”

Patrick nodded. “Yeah, I could stand something to get us home for sure.” They quickly found a McDonald’s and pulled in.

“Drive thru?” David nodded.

They placed their orders and pulled forward, waiting in line. 

“Did you have fun?” Patrick asked.

“Did you?” David replied.

“David… I mean, I guess? It was different but as long as you had fun, that’s all I really care about.”

David narrowed his eyes. “What?”

Patrick shrugged. “It’s not really my thing, clubs like that. Never has been. I wanted to give you…”

David rolled his eyes, groaning. “Oh My God! Patrick! I only agreed to go because I thought YOU wanted to spend all night at a club!”

“No. No I don’t.”

“For the record, Patrick Brewer, I hated that. I wanted to go to bed at 9. Let’s agree - don’t ever do this again. Next time, just write a check or something.”

Patrick laughed as they pulled forward, taking their food from the window, handing it over to David. “Deal.”


	2. Stealing Heat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: So far I’ve discovered marriage is mostly just the cold spouse trying to steal heat from the other. (1/26/21)

Patrick wasn’t sure what to expect from his first winter with David. Being with a man who wears leather sweaters in the dead of summer, would he just spend 6 months in a parka?

What Patrick did find was that David seemed to hang off of him - arms draped over his shoulders, chest pressed up against his back, just staying in his general vicinity basically from November thru March.

Once he moved into the apartment, he quickly discovered that (a) David needed to understand that cranking the heat up to 80 degrees wasn’t something he could keep doing and (b) that David needed his own set of blankets during the cold months. He laughed the first time he came home to find three different blankets folded on top of each other on David’s side of the bed.

Once they got to the house, though, not even the blankets could keep David from feeling like he was freezing. Yeah, they knew the windows needed to be replaced but after the first cold night, Patrick quickly bumped that up to the top of the list of things that needed to get done. 

Patrick knows he runs hot. Always has. Even in the dead of winter, he would head to school in a t-shirt and hoodie and be fine while Rachel and all her friends would have on multiple coats and hats and gloves. It was a fight his mother stopped having with him when he was 10. 

It was like David had decided Patrick was his personal heating unit. Sure, David would start on his side of the bed, but sometime in the middle of the night, David, in all his long sleeved glory, would wrap himself around Patrick, basically trying to will the heat to move from Patrick’s body to his.

But today… today was that kind of cold day that only happened once every few years. It was the kind of day that even Patrick put on a heavy coat and gloves. The kind of day that Patrick could feel in his toes. The kind of cold day where they had ended up closing early cause everyone was staying home. Patrick had dropped David off at home before he ran to the store to get groceries. By the time he got back, David was piled under blankets on the couch, his fleeced socked feet sticking out from under the blankets.

“Close the door!” David yelled. Patrick just rolled his eyes, but quickly shut the door, toeing off his shoes and hanging his jacket up.

“Is the oven on?”

“From the moment I got home.”

“David, leaving the oven on doesn’t warm the house up more.”

“Agree to disagree.” Patrick just laughed as he went in, quickly placing the chicken pot pie in the oven for dinner. He moved to the couch, pulling off his socks and slipping his feet under the blanket, finding the leg of David’s pants and pushing his toes up against this leg.

  
  


“ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT PATRICK BREWER!”

Patrick smiled, wiggling his toes against David’s leg as David tried to get away from Patrick without having to move from under Blanket Mountain. “Come on, David. My feet are cold and I went and got us dinner.”

“And I thank you kindly but if you don’t get your toes off of me I am going to cut your feet off while you sleep.”

“Love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have two children who consistently run hot while I live in sweatshirts and fleece slippers all winter. So I get this.


	3. Helpful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: Husband said he likes to do the grocery shopping without me because I’m “not helpful” which is not at all true. I help quite a lot. For example I follow him around and say stuff like “should I start having our mail sent here or have you narrowed down the bread options?” (1/31/2021)

Patrick let out a deep breath as he stood in front of the door. 

“Dear God, PLEASE let him be in the frozen food section.” Patrick rolled his shoulders back and walked through the entrance of the grocery store, glancing around for his husband. 

Patrick groaned when he spotted him in the produce section, having only managed to pick up three other items on their grocery list. 

“David” he groaned, leaning on the cart, looking into the mostly empty basket. David glanced over at him.

“You were quick.”

“David! I left you here over an hour ago!”

“No you didn’t.”

Patrick’s eyes went wide. “Yes. Yes I did. I’ve gone to the bank and the post office and ran into the hardware store where I got stopped by Mrs. Jackson for 15 minutes and then I looped the parking lot here for a few minutes to find a spot and all you have managed to do is get like three things.”

“Produce is hard, Patrick.”

“Give me the list, David. I’ll help.”

“No.”

“David, please.”

David dropped 4 avocados in a bag and put those in the cart, grabbing it and turning on his heel.

“David, come on. I want to go home.”

David turned down the pasta aisle. “Then stop badgering me.”

Patrick bit his lip as David spent 5 minutes (Patrick timed him) picking out two boxes of penne pasta. He spent another 3 minutes looking at the jarred pasta sauce while he talked back and forth about buying the jarred sauce versus making it themselves since they have so many tomatoes at the store that aren’t going to get sold. Patrick groaned once and David flipped him off.

20 minutes later, they have a mostly full cart as David is standing look at all the bread options.

“Question” Patrick said. 

“What?”

“Should I start having our mail sent here or do you think you will be able to pick out a loaf of bread before the store closes?”

“You aren’t helpful.”

“I’m not trying to be helpful. I’m trying to get out of here before they offer us jobs.”

“We haven’t been here that long.”

Patrick grabbed the bread that David always ends up picking. He throws it in the cart, grabbing the cart from David and heading to check out. 

“I need to double check!”

“Better hurry. I’m paying and leaving. Whether you are in the car with me or not isn’t going to matter anymore.”

  
  



	4. Current Husband

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: Skylar thinks it’s funny to introduce me to people as his “current husband”. (1/30/2021)

“So who are these people again?”

David shrugged. “Mostly people Alexis works with. She said I would know some people from ‘way back’ which is scary on a whole other level.”

“You wanna leave?”

“Patrick. We drove all the way to Toronto. Alexis got Interflix to put us up in a hotel. There’s free food. Fuck no we aren’t leaving.”

“DAVID?!?” They both looked up as a little blonde came running toward them. 

“Hannah!” Patrick watched his husband give a little half hug, trying to avoid the drink she was holding that was in danger of spilling on his sweater.

“OMG Alexis told me you were going to be here. It has been like a million years. Who’s this?” She asked, looking Patrick up and down. 

“This is Patrick, my current husband.” Patrick glared at David as Hannah laughed hysterically.

“You know I hate when you do that.”

* * *

“Anna Beth, have you had a chance to meet my current husband, Patrick?”

Patrick rolled his eyes. “David, you know damn well I have met Anna Beth before. I’m the one who wrote her contract, remember?”

“Oh yeah. Sorry. I forgot.”

“Did you?”

* * *

“My current husband sure does clean up nice.”

“I’m not going. Have fun alone.”

* * *

Patrick held the door open for David. They were meeting up with some old high school friends of Patrick’s before the reunion. It had been a long time since Patrick had seen a lot of these people, but a lot had decided that 15 years was a good time to come back and see each other. Rachel had let him know where they were all meeting.

“So who’s going to be here?”

“Mostly people I haven’t seen since the last summer I came home.”

“PATRICK! DAVID!” Rachel was waving them over to a large group of tables pushed together in the back. Patrick grabbed David’s hand, lacing their fingers together as they weaved their way to the group. Rachel stood up, giving Patrick a hug before grabbing David. 

“I’m so glad you two are here” she said, motioning to the two chairs she had been saving for them. 

Several people around the table had given Patrick a quick hello. 

“Hey guys, I’ll get around to introductions but this is my first husband, David Rose.” Rachel laughed into her beer as David gasped, looking at Patrick with narrow eyes. 

Patrick smirked, pulling David’s hand up to drop a quick kiss on it. “Oh. What? Not so funny when your receiving end?”

“Not even a little bit.”


	5. Snuggie and Comfy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: Husband is currently wearing both a Snuggie and a Comfy. It’s like the whitest possible example of belt and suspenders.

Patrick just laughed as he walked into the living room with the popcorn. The cold had settled in all across the region and they took advantage to get some stuff done at the store. Once they realized no one was out, they closed up early and headed home. All David talked about all day was the cold. He made a production of chattering his teeth and rubbing his hands up and down his arms to the point Patrick was worried he may start a fire with his sweater. 

“What?” David shot at him.

Patrick just shook his head. “Nothing. Just… you sure you are warm enough? You need me to go get the fleece blanket off the bed too.”

“Patrick Brewer, there is nothing wrong with how I choose to cuddle up for movie night.”

“David. You are currently wearing a Snuggie AND a Comfy. I didn’t even know we had one of each.”

“They were on sale.”

“It feels like overkill.”

“Says the human space heater.”

Patrick just shrugged, pulling off his socks as he kicked his feet up on the coffee table.

“I honestly hate you sometimes.”


	6. Late night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: Hello did your husband get up at 1:30 am and loudly do the dishes and use kitchen appliances because he couldn’t sleep? Then you might be me and you might be entitled to compensation. (1/18/2021)

It was the bang that woke Patrick up. He had been dead asleep and then he found himself awake, alone in bed. He rolled over, groaning at the time - 1:30 AM. He can only imagine it started with a late night call from Moira because she doesn’t realize there is a time difference and then it just escalated from there. 

He pushed himself out of bed and trudged along to the kitchen. Sure enough, there was David, washing the shelves from inside the fridge and it seemed to be cleaning the oven based on the whir of the fan from inside of it. The fridge was also dinging because David hadn’t quite gotten the door shut. 

“Sorry, did I wake you?”

Patrick just rolled his eyes and he shut the refrigerator door properly. 

“Please come back to bed.”

“I can’t. Mom was in the middle of telling me something and said she had to go but that she would call me right back.”

“How long ago was that?”

“About 45 minutes.”

“David, I don’t think she’s calling you back.”

“Yeah, probably not but I started cleaning the oven while she was talking and then noticed how gross the shelves in the fridge were so once she hung up I pulled them out and I’m kind of in this now so I have to see it through.”

Patrick shook his head. “I’m going back to bed. I may also figure out how I can sue your parents for this harassment.”

“Let me know if you figure it out, honey. Go get some sleep.”


	7. Sweats and Medication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: I periodically like to remind people of the time my husband showed up in sweats, high on medication, and forced himself onto a karaoke stage. (1/10/2021)

It had been a long day. A very long day. The day started with a dental emergency for David, resulting in a procedure that left him loopy and in bed. Thank God today was already scheduled to be a late start day at the store because of the event they were hosting tonight. But Patrick was left to man the day alone. He had left David tucked in bed, medicine and water on the table with instructions to stay there and watch TV. He was allowed to go to the kitchen to get the food Patrick had left for him, but that was it. He repeated it three times and wrote it all out on a paper. He had been praying all day that David had heard him. 

God bless Twyla for running lunch over to him this afternoon and that Heather had shown up early with a little bit extra food or Patrick probably would have passed out from hunger at this point. 

The upstairs was set up for the event, the food was ready and Patrick planned to hang out behind the register to catch up on some paperwork and to ring out any customers who may want to buy something on their way in or out tonight. People had been slowly making their way in, browsing, eating and making their way upstairs. Patrick couldn’t even remember what David had scheduled for tonight. 

Patrick glanced up as Ray walked in. “Evening, Ray.”

Ray clasped his hands together. “Good evening, Patrick. Did David make it here ok?”

Patrick’s head shot up. “What?”

“David. You know I now run Rides by Ray and that young man Connor is one of my part time drivers. He said he got a request from David to come pick him up at your cottage. I just assumed it was to get here. Did Connor not get him here on time? I have told him…”

Patrick tuned Ray out as he groaned, pulling out his phone. He rarely had to track to see where David was since they were normally together, but on days when David did vendor runs, Patrick liked to check in. Vice versa when David manned the store and Patrick did the pickups. 

“Oh God” Patrick said, rolling his eyes. He quickly took the stairs two at a time, grabbing Jocelyn from her seat. “I need a favor…”

* * *

Patrick was out of his car before he had even fully turned it off. Locking it was the last thing he had in mind. He threw open the door, looking around the Wobbly Elm. His eyes narrowed as he clocked Stevie sitting on a bar stool, looking at the stage. Patrick glanced that direction and sighed. 

He moved toward the stage, glancing at her as he walked by. “Really Stevie?”

“I just got here. He was already up there when I walked in. I was about to call you.”

“Before or after you recorded a video?”

“I think we both know the answer to that, Patrick.”

Patrick winced as David hit a wildly off key note, causing the mic to screech a little bit. 

“PATRICK!!!” David threw his arms over Patrick’s shoulders. Patrick wrapped his arms around David’s waist to keep him upright.

“Why are you here?”

“Patrick, when the music strikes you, you MUST share it with the world.”

“Did you talk to your mom before coming here?”

“Maybe. That sounds familiar.”

“I told you to stay home.”

“You most certainly did NOT!”

“David, I said it three times and left you a note!”

“That was you?”

“Who the hell else would it be?”

“Let’s sing!”

“Let’s not. Come on. I need to get you back to bed.”

“Mr. Brewer! I am scandalized.”

Patrick just rolled his eyes, trying his best to pull David off the stage. 

“You do realize you are out in public in your ‘couch only’ sweatpants right?”

“Why would you let me go out like this, Patrick?”

“I DIDN’T! Oh God… please don’t cry. David. Please don’t cry. I’m not sure I can… ok. Ok. I’m sorry I let you go out in your sweatpants. Can we please just get in the car so we can go home?”

Eventually, Patrick got David home and back in bed with Stevie standing guard at the door with a threat on her life if she let him walk outside of the house before he got back. Stevie said he only tried twice. 


	8. Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: We just got in the car to drive somewhere and my husband brought an open glass of water. I can’t deal with this chaos today. (1/17/2021)

“DAVID!”

“One second.”

“You said that 15 minutes ago. My parents left over an hour ago and managed to run 3 errands!”

“One second.”

“I hate you.”

“ONE SECOND!”

Patrick groaned. “I’m getting in the car. I’m leaving in three minutes cause I am not dealing with the wrath of Rachel when we walk in late for her rehearsal!”

“ONE SECOND PLEASE!”

“I’m gonna let her rip you a new asshole” Patrick muttered to himself as he grabbed his keys. They were supposed to ride with his parents but David wanted to take a nap and Patrick knew better but hoped for the best. Which is how he found himself in this situation, having to send his parents ahead while David showered and completed his facial regime while his parents were probably kicked back with cocktails and food. 

Patrick got in the car, starting it, drumming his fingers on the wheel. It was a 20 minute drive to the rehearsal and everything started in 25 minutes. 

“Finally!” Patrick muttered to himself as he saw David come out the front door. Patrick reached over to get his seatbelt and was throwing the car into reverse, looking over his shoulder as David had barely gotten the door closed.

“Can you PLEASE give me a second? I don’t want to spill this.” Patrick glanced over and his eyes went wide.

“David… what the fuck…”

“WHAT? I was thirsty and you were rushing me!”

“So you just… you brought a… David, did you bring an open glass with water in it in the car!?!”

“I told you I was thirsty.”

“THERE ARE BOTTLES IN THE FRIDGE!”

“Well, I didn’t see them and you were rushing me so I grabbed what I could find.”

“You are going to spill that on yourself.”

“Not if you are careful I won’t.” 

“It’s full!!”

David rolled his eyes, taking a long drink out of what had to be one of the glasses they had brought over from his grandmother’s house after she died like 5 years ago. Patrick had no idea how David even found those glasses!

“There, now it’s only 3/4ths full.”

“I don’t have the brain capacity for this today.”


	9. TMZ

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: One of the most proud moments of my life was when I trolled TMZ so hard they sent me a cease and desist because I got hundreds of people to email them and clog up their inboxes in 2013. Even still, TMZ sucks and they haven’t yet faced their great day of reckoning. (2/11/2021)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usually in my head, Eli is Patrick. But there have been a few tweets where I’m all “that’s so David!” This is one of those.
> 
> Also, TMZ is the devil and someday they will get theirs for sure.

Patrick paused for a moment as he was walking into the house, looking at the mail. The return address at the top of one of the envelopes caught his eye. He even had to pull out his phone to Google the return address, just to make sure it was what he thought it was.

He was still staring at it as he walked into the kitchen. “Hey David, do you…” but he trailed off, looking at David sitting at the kitchen table, laptop and tablet sitting in front of him while he taps away on his phone.

“David?”

David glanced up. “Good. You are here. Get your phone out.”

“What are you doing?”

“A blitz attack.”

“I’m sorry?”

“A blitz attack. TMZ posted this story last week about…” David looked at his husband. “Never mind, you won’t recognize the name and we have the upper hand right at the moment.”

“Who is we?”

“Me. Stevie. Alexis. Her assistant. Some intern and the rest of her sorority at NYU.”

“And you all are…”

“Trolling TMZ. We’ve managed to slow down their servers and emails are starting to bounce back.” David had a look of glee in his eyes Patrick thought was only reserved for an EBay find.

“So this letter in my hand from TMZ is really from the real TMZ then?”

David moved over to Patrick, taking the envelope out of his hands and ripping it open. He laughed, moving back over and grabbing his phone as he dropped the paper on the table. Patrick glanced down at it. 

“DAVID! David, this is a cease and desist letter. From TMZ!”

David looked at him as he put his phone up to his ear. “I know. Isn’t it great?”

“Great?”

“Yes. It means we are winning.” David glanced away from Patrick. “Alexis!! Alexis, I just got… HAHAHA YOU TOO! That’s fantastic. Here’s what we have to do next.”

“NEXT?!?” Patrick cried. David waved him off, sitting back down at the table.

Patrick shook his head, heading toward the bedroom. “You all better make sure your parents can bail you two out when you get arrested or whatever.”

“Patrick, you act like this is the first time me and Alexis have gotten a cease and desist letter.”


	10. Muscle memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: I’ve starting taking my husband’s hand and guiding it to the stove or light switches and using it to turn them off so he’ll hopefully develop muscle memory and so far it is not being well received. (1/16/2021)

After a year in the cottage, Patrick was officially annoyed. Maybe it’s because the lights always seemed to be on in the motel. Or that it didn’t occur to David that turning things off was an important function of life. But the day he walked in and found every light on between the front door and the bedroom was the final straw.

Patrick was sitting on the bed when David got out of the shower. 

“Well, hello you.” David said, leaning against the door jam of the bathroom door. Patrick got up and moved over to David slowly. He pressed a light kiss on David’s lips, grabbing his hand. David opened his mouth but Patrick just shook his head, pulling David behind him. They got to the door of the master bedroom and Patrick lifted up David’s hand, turning off the light switch. 

“I think I…” but David trailed off as Patrick pulled him out into the hallway. He smiled at David as he lifted his hand again, turning off the light in the hallway. Patrick then pulled him out into the living room, walking him around slowly, turning off the lamps one at a time. 

By the time they made their way into the kitchen, David was annoyed. Patrick pulled him in front of the stove, reaching their hands over to hit the off button.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“Trying to build muscle memory. You know, so your body will just automatically turn things off so you don’t have to think about it.”

David narrowed his eyes at his husband. “You could have just said something.”

“I have. For a year. Thought I would try a different tactic.”

“I hate you.”


	11. Duvet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I interrupt this Eli McCann fan club meeting to bring you this... when Mama Levy gives you gold, you ABSOLUTELY must!
> 
> @tingtime: My husband and I are dedicating the next couple of hours to psychologically prepare ourselves and the marriage for when we put the duvet back in the duvet cover. (2/12/2021)

“Hey Patrick…”. Patrick looked up from the dishwasher toward where David’s voice was coming from. The bedroom. It had the sing song tone that was usually only reserved for…

Patrick pressed his lips together and walked quickly (no, it was NOT a jog and he would never admit otherwise) to the bedroom. The smile dropped off his face in an instant when he saw David.

“No.”

“Please!”

“No. I told you I wasn’t doing that with you again.”

“Patrick, it's too hard alone! Please!!”

“Guess you should have thought about that first.”

“This needs to be done!”

“And I told you I need at least 48 hours notice before I could do this again. I have to mentally prepare myself.”

“Honestly, it’s not a big deal.”

“Maybe not to you. I never had to do this before I moved in with you!”

David looked down at the bed. “I mean, if you don’t think you can.”

It was that sad tone that always ended Patrick. Has for years. David knows that. He kind of hates that David knows that and has no issues with playing that card. 

Patrick walked to the other side of the bed, glaring at David. 

“I really don’t understand why we need a duvet, anyway. Can’t we just get a second blanket or something.”

“PATRICK BREWER!”

“David! It’s a covering. FOR A BLANKET! That makes no sense.”

“It’s called decor.”

“Well, it’s really fucking stupid. Come on. Let’s get this blanket put back in its blanket so we can go to bed sometime tonight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I don’t understand duvets either. We tried for awhile and we ended up getting rid of it cause I just couldn’t deal.


	12. Call your mother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: a few years ago when we just started dating husband was walking down the street in NYC talking loudly and a drunk man yelled “shut up” at him so husband yelled back “you should call your mother! She’s probably worried about you! And that’s all I ever needed to know about him.

“I just cannot believe that we ran into Helena in a bagel place of all things. I mean, she swore she was allergic to gluten of any kind when I tried to get her to go there and we just walk in and there she is, stuffing her face with an everything bagel.”

“David, first of all, I’m right here. Why are you yelling about this?”

“Because it deserves to be yelled about!”

“Ok, but isn’t it possible that she changed and…”

“WITH CREAM CHEESE PATRICK! She would light me up anytime I put half and half in a coffee and there she is, slathering her gluten filled bagel with cream cheese!”

“David…”

“And then she has the fucking audacity to just be like ‘oh my David. Hi.’ Like it’s just been a few weeks since we’ve seen each other and not fucking years! Just WAIT until I tell Alexis about this when we get back to her place.”

“With the way you are going on, she can probably hear you.”

“And then… THEN… to act all shocked that I managed to get my life straightened out and get married…”

“You know I was there, right?”

“Yes, OF COURSE you were there when we got married.”

“I meant at the bagel place but that too.”

They sidestepped a guy coming out of a bar door. “And I know for a fucking FACT that she is well aware of our line because Alexis gives it to all her new clients and HER FUCKING HUSBAND IS ONE OF ALEXIS’ CLIENTS and…”

“OH MY GOD SHUT UP!” Patrick and David whipped around to see the guy they had to avoid coming out of the door a few minutes ago.

“He’s drunk” Patrick said quietly to David.

“It is 3:30 PM on a Thursday. How are you already drunk?!? You should call your mother, she’s probably worried about you if these are the choices you make with your life!” David turned back on his heel and continued down the street. Patrick quickly glanced at the man and followed David.

“Was that wise?” He asked once he had caught back up.

“A drunk guy on the street? Yeah, it’s fine. But you know what’s NOT FINE…”


	13. Wine Drunk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: I have only ever seen my husband truly drunk once and I just came across a picture from that day. We had finished wine tasting and he was stumbling down the street yelling to passerby ‘you’re GORGEOUS and SPECIAL’ and at one point he helped a stranger tuck a loose bra-strap. I am 100% holding him up in this picture. (1/17/2021)

Every year, the Elm Grove Wine and Food Festival seems like a good idea. In theory. But, every year, the execution is the same.

“David, stop.”

“Patrick, it's RADISH WINE! That was MY fucking idea. He should at least give me a bottle for free.” 

“You don’t need any more wine for at least a week. How about some food? Or water?”

David threw his arm over Patrick’s shoulder, leaning all his weight onto his husband. Patrick swallowed the groan and wrapped his arm around David’s waist, basically holding him up.

Patrick glanced around, spotting a sitting area on the next corner.

“Ok. We are going to go grab a table and then you are going to SIT THERE while I get us food and…”

“Radish wine?”

“I was thinking water, but maybe we can circle back to Radish wine later, ok?” David nodded and they started to move, slowly, toward the seating area. Not because they were moving slow. Mostly, because David was at the complimentary stage of Drunk David Rose.

“You are absolutely gorgeous!”

“Remember that you are special and unique!”

“The world loves you and so do I!”

Patrick did his best to keep him moving ahead but David whirled around, yanking himself out of Patrick’s grasp. 

“Hey! Hey! Hey!” The blonde he was yelling at seemed to be just as drunk as David as she wobbled on her heels as David moved up to her. 

“You’re fucking hot” she said.

“I know. That’s why this guy locked it down” he said, nodding back toward Patrick. Patrick just rolled his eyes and gave her a slight wave. 

“Sorry to stop you but I have to fix this” he said as he tucked her loose bra strap back under the shirt she was wearing.

“My hero!”

“You are a beautiful woman who deserves a beautiful day.” 

“Ok. You two think each other is easy on the eyes. David, we really need to get you some food.” He wrapped his arm back around his husband, moving him toward the first empty table he saw. 

“Stay here” Patrick said, pointing at the table. David nodded. Patrick turned to move, but David grabbed his hand, pulling him back.

“I love you most of all, Patrick Brewer.”

Patrick sighed. “I love you most of all, David Rose.”


	14. Eating Habits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann:  
> Me: I do not understand why I keep gaining weight. 
> 
> Husband: you ate a whole loaf of 3 cheese bread with your dinner last night. 
> 
> Me: I guess we’ll never know. 
> 
> Husband: and then inhaled a pint of Häagen-Dazs. 
> 
> Me: such a mystery. (2/18/2021)

“Patrick?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you do my laundry?”

“David, in the years we have been together, I have never even thought about trying to attempt to do your laundry. I know better.”

“There really is no other explanation.”

“For what?”

“My pants shrunk.”

“WHAT?”

“I just tried to put on a pair of my pants and they shrunk.”

“....”

“What?”

“Are you sure they shrunk or…”

“....”

“You know what, you’re right. They probably shrunk.”

“Obviously.”

“It absolutely could have nothing to do with the loaf of 3 cheese bread you ate at dinner last night.”

“Of course not.”

“Or the pint of Haagen-Dazs that was supposed to be for both of us but somehow I didn’t manage to get a bite of.”

“A mystery for sure.”

“.... um…. I was going to go to the gym tomorrow after work if you want to…”

“WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY PATRICK BREWER!?!”

“Umm… nothing. Yes. I 100% agree that your pants shrunk.”

“Thank you. Hey what’s my budget for new pants?


	15. Snowblower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: My husband bought an electric snow blower for the house “because that’s a *lot* easier than shoveling. I assume. I don’t know. I’ve never done either and I never will.” (2/17/2021)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m going on a tear today, apparently.

“Hey David.”

“Yeah.”

“Need some help with that?”

David glared at him from the driveway. “No. Thank you. I’ve got it.”

Patrick just watched as David struggled to get a large, long box out of the back of the Lincoln. He had to press his lips together as David walked the box slowly into the garage.

“Flawless, as always.”

“Shut up. It’s for you.”

“What’s for me?”

David gestured at the box. “That.”

“David.”

“Yes.”

“It’s a snowblower.”

“Yes.”

“You bought me a snowblower?”

“Yes.”

“Because…”

“I figured that would be a lot easier than shoveling.”

“Have you ever shoveled snow?”

“I think we both know the answer to that Patrick. Look. I assume blowing the snow is easier. Not that I plan to do either, honestly.”

“Of course.”

“Heather was buying one when I met her and she asked if we had one and I didn’t know but we are home owners now so…”

“You didn’t want to look dumb in front of Heather?”

“I was going to say unsure since what you said is very mean. Oh God! Do we already have a snowblower?”

“We do not. We have two shovels.”

“Well now you can get rid of both of those, since we both know only one would ever get used, and just use the snowblower.”

“I think you just like saying the word snowblower.”

“Shut up.”


	16. Handshake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: Today husband reached over and I shook his hand like we were closing a business transaction because I didn’t understand he just wanted to hold my hand. I think my brain is broken. (2/7/2021)

“And you are going to take the new contract out to Elsie’s workshop when you go tomorrow.”

“Yes, Patrick. I said I would.”

“I know but last month you forgot Janet’s and we had to make a special trip and…”

“You said you would let that go.”

“Maybe I lied.”

“Anyway, yes. I already have the new contract in the car for Elsie to sign when I do her pickup tomorrow.”

“And then you’ve talked to Ronnie about the new lights we want outside.”

“Yes, but at some point, I am going to make you talk to her instead of me.”

“I promise to drop the Janet thing if you never make me speak to her.”

“Deal.”

“Good. And then the last thing is deciding which new vendor we want to stock. I know we have the two, but we really one have space for one.”

“How about we look around when we get back over there and see what would fit better.”

“Yeah, that’s good. Ok. I think that’s that.”

David reached his right hand out toward Patrick and Patrick reached his right hand out in response, grabbing David’s hand in a handshake.

“Patrick.”

“Yeah?”

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“Uh…”

“Why are we shaking hands like strangers?”

“Cause you were…”

“Reaching over to hold your hand cause this non-business lunch we promised to have turned into a business lunch and I was trying to get us back to the non-business lunch.”

Patrick let out a long sigh. “Ah.”

“Patrick.”

“Yes.”

“We are still shaking hands.”

“Yes, I can see that David.”

“You ok?”

“I think my brain is broken.”

“Yeah.”


	17. Coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: Which one of you jokers is going to come over to my house right now and explain to my husband that I just spilled a full thermos of coffee in his car because I’m not taking the fall for this one. (2/22/2021)

“Hey Stevie.”

“Hey Patrick. Everything ok?”

“Oh. Yeah. Sure. I mean… it could be better but it isn’t THAT bad.”

“Okaaaaayyyy…”

“Hey, you wouldn’t happen to have gotten back early from your trip did you?”

“Hell no. It actually got extended by like two days.”

“Shit.”

“Patrick. I’m starting to worry.”

“No. It’s fine. He won’t… it’s fine.”

“PATRICK!”

“It’s just a little coffee spill.”

“Where?”

“In the Lincoln.”

“And when you say a little…”

“I thought I had the lid on the thermos I swear! IT ISN’T THAT FUNNY STEVIE!”

“And you are calling me because…”

“Well, I was hoping that, if bribed you with a bottle of wine, that you would tell him that I…”

_ *click* _

* * *

“Hey Patrick. Good to hear from you.”

“Hi Jocelyn. Are you busy?”

“Well, Rollie Jr did manage to pour out a whole thing of wallpaper glue on the floor of the living room. I mean, thank goodness we had already pulled the carpet up last week, but then he went and just walked right in it so…”

“Oh. So I guess you aren’t available to come help me with something real quick.”

“I mean, if you don’t mind Rollie with glue all over his feet, I can sure.”

“No. It’s ok. Good luck with the glue.”

* * *

“Pat! I was expecting your call.”

“Jocelyn already called you didn’t she.”

“Yes, and I will do it for a free case of applesauce and some of that new scent oil you all got in last week. Jocey and I use it on our role play nights and…”

“Never mind, Roland. I’ve got it.”

* * *

“Who died?”

“Good morning, Ronnie.”

“Who died, Brewer?”

“No one.”

“Then why isn’t David calling me?”

“Well, about that… I was just wondering… there was a slight issue and…”

“Please spit it out.”

“So I kind of spilled coffee all over the Lincoln and I was hoping you would come tell David for me.”

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA.”

“So you’ll do it?”

“Hell no, Brewer. But gimme a few minutes before you tell him. I want to get outside so I can hear his screaming at you.”

“Great. Perfect. Thanks for the help, Ronnie.”

* * *

Patrick took a deep breath as he opened the door to the store. David glanced up from the back shelves. 

“Hey. I thought you were bringing coffee?”

“About that…”


	18. Peloton

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: Last night husband saw me hit play on a Peloton workout. As Cody started talking me through a warmup, husband looked at the screen, then looked at me and cautiously whispered “can he see you?”

“What in the fresh hell is that?”

Patrick sighed. “David. I told you I ordered a Peloton.”

“It’s not staying there.”

“Yes, dear husband, I know it’s not staying there. I’m going to put it out in the mud room. I told you this.”

“I thought it was just a hypothetical conversation.”

“No, David, that was very much a real conversation.”

“It’s rather big.”

“It’s a bike, David.”

“Seems unnecessary.”

* * *

“You’re doing another ride?”

“Yes, David. It’s too cold to run and the snow is supposed to get bad tomorrow so I figured do this now just in case.”

David walked over to watch Patrick get the ride all set up and pick his instructor. Someone named Cody.

“He’s cute.”

“Sure.”

Patrick started to tune David out as Cody guided him (and whoever else was out there today) through the warm up. Patrick glanced over to see David standing there, staring at the screen with wide eyes.

“David?”

“Can he see you?” David whispered. “Patrick… it’s like he sees you. Can he see us right now? What devil machine did you bring in this house!?!”

“Please stop.”


	19. Are you going to eat that?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: So far I’ve discovered marriage is just two people saying “are you going to eat that” to each other every day forever. (2/23/20210

“Are you going to eat the last piece of pizza?”

“David! I had two pieces!”

“That’s not an answer.”

* _ sigh*  _ “Fine, David, you can have it, but I get the last chocolate chip cookie.”

“Uhhhhh… so about the cookies….”

* * *

“You are NOT going to eat that!”

“What? Yes I am.”

“David, it was in the garbage.”

“By accident, Patrick. I didn’t mean to throw it away. It slipped.”

“Would you be rescuing that if it was broccoli and not a piece of Ivan’s triple chocolate cake?”

“Fuck no.”

* * *

“Hey, are you going to eat the…”

“Yes.”

“Patrick, I didn’t finish my sentence. Are you going to eat…”

“Yes.”

“STOP IT! You don’t even know what I’m asking about.”

“Doesn’t matter. The answer is yes, I’m going to eat it.”

“Are you lying?”

“No.”

“I think you’re lying.”

“I’m not.”

“I’m going to go eat…”

“If you do I’m releasing a moth into the bedroom while you are in the shower.”

“You wouldn’t!?!”

“Fuck around and find out, David.”

“Rude!”


	20. The House

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: Oh you think you had a guilty conscience? I just felt bad after talking to my husband about what we would want our next house to be like because we’re home right now and I’m worried the current house could hear me. (2/20/2021)

“You know what would be nice? A big island in the kitchen.”

“That should be on the list.”

“What list?”

“The list for our next house.”

“David!”

“And maybe a nice covered patio for a hot tub. Definitely some outdoor seating around a fireplace. And we DEFINITELY need another room for a home office. I’m adding that to the list!”

“You have an actual list?”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t you feel bad about it?”

“Why would I feel bad about a list of things I would like in our next house?”

“Doesn’t it… doesn’t it kind of feel like you are cheating on this house.”

“You aren’t serious.”

“Yes, David. This is our home. Our first one together. You might hurt the house’s feelings.”

“Are you screwing with me, Patrick?”

“No, David. I can’t believe you are thinking about…”

“And people think I’m the one that is dramatic and ridiculous.”


	21. Sports

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: POV, I made husband watch sports. (2/25/2021)

* * *

“So, what time is this over?”

“I mean, it is roughly a 4 hour game so…”

“I’m sorry, did you say 4 hours?”

“Yes, David. It is the playoffs. 4 hours is probably a good estimate.”

“Wait. Estimate?”

“Yes, estimate. It depends on penalties and time-outs and how many calls have to be reviewed and if the coaches want a call reviewed or if the refs decide…”

  
“Dear God, do these people not have places to be?”

“Yes, David. Here. Because this is their job.”

“Seems extreme.”

“David, I told you this is what I wanted to do tonight. Feel free to call Stevie and…”

“She won’t be back till tomorrow.”

“What’s Ronnie doing?”

“Probably watching this ridiculous exercise just like you.”

“I mean, it is a big game, David.”

“Any chance I could persuade you to…”

“No.”

“What if I…”

“No.”

“Remember that thing I did last week that almost made you pass out?”

Patrick side-eyes his husband. “Yeah?”

“I’ll do that again. But better.”

“Uhhhh…. David put the remote down! I see what you are doing. You told me this was fine this morning!”

“I did, but 4 hours!?!”

“Yes.”

“I hate every minute of this!”

“There is a whole array of snacks in the kitchen.”

“Wait, why didn’t you lead with that?”

“Well, you started talking about the thing and I got momentarily distracted.”

“What kind of snacks?”

“So, is that thing off the table the whole night? Because after the game is over…”

“I guess it depends on what kind of snacks are in the kitchen.”

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Photo for more context and having never added a photo to a story before, that took longer than writing this thing. As requested - you know who you are!
> 
> Also, yes, Patrick would probably choose baseball. I don't like baseball. I like to think Patrick enjoys all sports, so I went with (American) football. Let's say this was last month before the Super Bowl.


	22. Sports part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: I was talking about the NBA and my very gay husband asked me “when is the season finale for basketball?” (2/27/2021)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHAHA OMG so he posted this and then someone linked the cold open for The MVP and he replied with “OMG I married David” like he didn’t know and I died. I lost it. Like it JUST dawned on him and we, as a group, haven’t been mining his tweets for months.

“Now what are you watching?”

“It’s the playoffs, David.”

“No. You JUST watched the playoffs.”

“That was football and that was last month.”

“So what’s this?”

“Basketball.”

“What’s the difference?”

“Well… there are one or two…”

“And when is the season finale of this?”

“Well, it just started, so I think in like May.”

“WHAT THE FLYING FUCK!?!”

“I mean, it is a best of seven format and it just started so…”

“This is going to be on like, every night?”

“Well, they take breaks when they travel but…”

“Fuck off.”


	23. Hot date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: Just saw husband entered “hot date night with my mannnn” on our calendar for Friday night. It’s scheduled from 7:00 to 7:30 (1/13/2021)

“So this thing you added to the calendar.”

“Yeah?”

“Hot date night with my mannnn with 4 N’s.”

“I know! I’m excited. I thought we could run out to that new Asian Fusion place in Elm Hills.”

“David, it’s scheduled from 7-7:30.”

“That’s just the default time, Patrick.”

“So you have something you want to do after we eat.”

“Not really.”

“David.”

“Patrick! We were up early. Is it so bad that I want to eat and then go home and go to bed? We have to do inventory and then we have a bunch of deliveries tomorrow!”

“And people think the magic dies after you get married.”

“Shut up. You know you want to go to bed early too.”

“I do, but maybe next time just don’t put it on the calendar, ok?”


	24. Contacts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: It’s been almost 6 years and my husband is still saved in my phone as “Skylar Tinder Funny.” Does our marriage count? (1/13/2021)

Stevie snorted as she looked up from where Patrick’s phone vibrated on the counter. He brought some lotion and body wash over for the motel and had left his phone sitting out while he brought the boxes in from the car. 

He walked in with the last box. “That should be it.”

“Great. Hey, David asked if you could bring him a cinnamon roll if there are any left.”

“Are there any left?”

“Yeah, just take the box.”

“Thanks. Tell him I’ll bring him some.”

“Oh, he didn’t text me.”

“Then how…” Patrick glanced at his phone on the counter as Stevie started to giggle.

“What?”

“How long has he been ‘David needs business help’ in your phone?”

“You know exactly how long, Stevie.”

“Never thought about changing it?”

“No. It makes me smile, ok.”

“Gross. That’s what he said the last time I asked him about how he has you in his phone?”

“Wait. What am I in his phone?”

“Snippy guy from Ray’s. At least you have his name.”

“He’s never put in my name!”

“Nope.”

“We’ve been married for a year!”

“I know. I was there.”

“He hasn’t put my name in his phone this whole time.”

“You should talk to him about it for sure.”

“I will as soon as I get home.”

“Of course he will immediately ask how he is listed in your phone so…”

Patrick paused, eyes wide, staring at Stevie.

“Patrick?”

“Maybe it's not a big deal. I mean, he knows it’s me and I know it’s him so…”

“Don’t want to listen to the rant.”

“Not in any way, Stevie. Not in any way.”


	25. Thermostat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: Me to husband: yes. Of course I remembered to set the thermostat to the ridiculously high temperature you requested before climbing into to bed. (3/2/2021)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eli to Twitter: he totally posted that picture of Kathryn Hahn winking at the camera from WandaVision that has been making the rounds. 
> 
> Also, in this house we love us some Brewer parents. All Marcy and Clint, all the time. When I see Ted Whittail in something else, I’m always thinking “Clint, what are you doing here? How’s Marcy?”

Patrick turned off the lamp and pulled the covers up, flipping onto his stomach to settle in for the night. He let out a deep breath and closed his eyes.

“Patrick?”

“Yeah David” he replied, muffled by the pillow.

“Did you turn the thermostat up?”

“Yes.”

“Did you? Are you sure? I haven’t heard the heat kick on in awhile and…”

“David…”

“What? You know I can’t sleep if it is too cold and I have been listening for the heat to kick on. If you would just get the programmable thermostat that your dad was talking about, we wouldn’t have to do this.”

“David, I turned the heat up. Go to sleep.”

——

Patrick was flipping over the bacon when David stumbled into the kitchen, slippers and fleece blanket wrapped around his robe-clad shoulders.

Patrick looked at his husband, eyes narrowed. “You ok? You look like you didn’t get any sleep.”

“I didn’t.”

“I told you to shove me if I started snoring.”

“It wasn’t that.”

“What was it?”

“I was cold. Cause you didn’t turn the thermostat up like you said you did.”

“David… I thought I did, ok?”

“No. You just didn’t feel like getting back up. Admit it.”

“Fine. I just didn’t feel like getting back up. Plus, you want it just this side of hell hot when we sleep and it is a bit much.”

Patrick’s phone vibrated on the countertop. He moved over toward it, seeing a text from his dad.

“David?”

“Yeah.”

“You talk to my dad this morning?”

“I did. Make sure you order the one we can control from our phones or you are sleeping on the couch tonight.”


	26. Lasagna

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: I’ve set a diet goal for 2021. I would like to eat one full lasagna every day.. I feel like this is reachable for me and I would appreciate if everyone would try to help keep me accountable. (1/1/2021)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder how this is going.

Patrick paused as he walked through the garage, eyeing the new deep freeze that hadn’t been there when he left for his hike this morning. He opened it up, looking in and got very confused. 

He walked into the kitchen to see David digging through the freezer.

“Hey.”

David jumped. “Hey! It’s you! When did you get back? I thought you were doing the long loop.”

“Too much snow so I had to take the short loop. What are you doing?”

“Oh. You know. Organizing.”

Patrick nodded his head back toward the garage. “So when did we get a deep freeze?”

David’s eyes went wide. “Oh. I told you about that.”

“You did not.”

“Yes. I’m sure I did. Jocelyn and Roland were getting rid of their old one and I told them we would take it.”

“Why do we need a deep freeze?”

“For stuff.”

“David.”

“Yes.”

“Why is the deep freeze full of trays of lasagna?”

“It isn’t just lasagna in there.”

“Yes. Yes it is. I looked.”

David opened his mouth but there was a knock at the door. Patrick moved through the house, opening the door to see a delivery man with a large box with a ‘perishable’ sticker on the side of it.

“David Rose?”

Patrick looked over his shoulder at his wide-eyed husband and then back to the delivery guy. “Yeah, I’ll take it.”

Patrick kicked the door shut and put the box down at his feet. “Wanna tell me what is perishable that came from…. David…”

“Yeah.”

“Why is my mom sending you a box of perishables?”

“No reason.”

“David?”

“Yeah.”

“Why do we have a freezer full of lasagnas? And if I open this box, will I find more lasagnas?”

David dropped his head. “Yes.”

“David!”

“What?” He cried. “Look, Stevie DARED me!”

“Dared you to what?”

David mumbled. Patrick just shook his head. “Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that!”

“She dared me to eat lasagna every day for a year.”

Patrick’s eyes went wide. “Were you two high?”

“Yes. And a little drunk.”

“Oh my god” he sighed, pulling his phone out of his pocket.

“What are you doing?”

“Making a call.”

“Stevie?”

“Oh, she’s next.” Patrick held up his hand as David opened his mouth. “Hey mom. Yeah, we’re fine. Look, please remember that I love you a lot and everything, but if you send David one more lasagna, I’m coming there and setting fire to your craft room.”


	27. Dead Frog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stumbling upon a dead frog
> 
> Husband: Don’t
> 
> Me:... I guess it finally croaked

“I’m glad you decided to come with me today, David.”

“Well, you did promise cheese and not a lot of hills, so…”

“And quality time with your husband.”

“Yeah, sure. That too.”

“Isn’t this a great way to spend the first nice day off of the year?”

“I mean, I’m not sure it’s better than the movie festival in Elm Dale, but…”

“David, that’s a rainy day activity. The sun is out. It’s above freezing. We need to be enjoying the outside!”

“Ok, fine. You do have a point but… OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?”

“What?”

“No. I can’t look. Patrick, what did I almost step on?!?”

“David. First, you need to open your eyes and stop balancing on one foot before you fall down.”

“Fine. My foot is down but I’m not opening my eyes till you tell me what I almost stepped on.”

“Oh. Oh man. It’s a poor dead frog.”

“EWWWWWWW!”

“Yeah. Oh. The poor frog.”

David snapped his eyes open, leveling his stare at Patrick.

“Don’t. Do not do what…”

“I guess it finally croaked.”

“I said don’t Patrick!”


	28. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: The dog had a nightmare last night so I woke up to my husband at 3:00 AM cradling him and whispering “did you just have a dream that no one was petting you or giving you kisses? That would never happen.” (3/3/2021)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s a lot of tweets with the dog. I’ve been trying to figure out how to work a dog in. Found it.

“Shhhh… it’s ok. Everything is fine. Shhhhh.”

Patrick rolled over and looked at the clock. 3ish something in the morning. He groaned, looking over at David. 

“Oh my God!”

“What? She got scared! This is a new place. She had a nightmare.”

“She’s a dog.”

David went back to nuzzling the top of the dog’s head. “Did you have a dream that no one was petting you or giving you kisses? That would never happen.”

“David, she didn’t have a nightmare. Cause she’s a dog.”

“Don’t you listen to him, Hazel. I’m right here and nothing is going to happen to you.”

“Every fucking time we do this.”

David gasped, covering the dog’s ears. “Patrick Brewer, language!”

“It’s a dog!”

“She.”

Patrick growled. “Fine. She’s a dog. It’s 3am. Can we PLEASE go back to sleep and then never dog sit for Ronnie again?”

“Yes, we can go back to sleep. It’s ok, Hazel. He gets grumpy when he doesn’t get enough sleep.”

“Yes. I’m the grumpy one. That’s what everyone in town says for sure.”

Patrick fluffed his pillow and turned over. He was just about asleep when he felt something against his back. Something furry.

“David no. No no no no no. The dog is 100% not staying in bed with us.”

“But what if she has a nightmare again, Patrick!?!”

“This isn’t worth making amends with Ronnie. She can just hate me till I die. I no longer care.”


	29. Household duties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: Ladies, find yourself a man who will help with the yard work and then let me borrow him because mine won’t.
> 
> Eli McCann: Terrified rn husband will see this and write his own tweet about dishes, grocery shopping, and laundry. (3/7/2021)

“David, can you grab the hoe for me?”

“The what now?”

“The hoe.”

“I don’t…”

“David! It’s right there!”

“What did you call it?”

“Stop it. I am not repeating myself. Just bring it here.”

“But it’s dirty and I just got dressed to go meet Alexis and Twyla…”

“Wait. What? You’re leaving?”

“Yes. I told you that…”

“But what about the mulch?”

“The what?”

“Stop it. The mulch. I thought you might help me lay the mulch today.”

“Why in the fuck would you think that?”

“David, it’s yard work. You won’t die.”

“Better to not find out. Have a good morning, honey. I’ll see you later.”

“Unbelievable!”

—-

“Patrick, look in the frig and see if we have any chanterelle mushrooms.”

“What?”

“Chanterelle mushrooms.”

“I see mushrooms.”

“Yes, but are they chanterelle?”

“Uh…”

“Never mind, I’ll look in a minute. What about sun dried tomatoes?”

“There are tomatoes sitting on the counter right there, David.”

“You are literally no help. Fine, I’ll finish the grocery list, but any chance you could get the delicates out of the sink in the laundry room and hang them up to dry?”

“How?”

“What do you mean how?”

“Like… how… I’m sure that…”

“Oh my God Patrick. You get them out of the sink, lightly wring the water out of each item individually, and then hang them spread out over the line and… wait, did you just tune me out?”

“What? No!”

“You did! You did just tune me out!”

“No. I was thinking that I can do that if you want to cut the grass. That could really stand to get done this morning and then the weeds need to be dealt with and I think…. And now who is tuning who out?”

“I’m not cutting the grass.”

“And I think we both know it is better for me to not touch the delicates so…”


	30. Checks Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: My husband has started doing a new thing where he waits until after I lay out a case for why I don’t think an idea he shared is feasible and then he shrugs his shoulders and says “the math checks out” and ends the conversation and then we do the thing he wanted. (2/22/2021)

Patrick dropped the measuring tape at his feet like he was dropping a microphone, grinning at David. 

“It won’t work.”

“I don’t think you did that right. Do it again.”

“David! I measured it for you 4 times! I even waited for the light to change because you would swear that it was the shadows messing with the shelves and not, you know, the reality of the size!”

“I mean, when I figured it out, it was after closing, so the sun was already down so I think we just table this till tonight and…”

“DAVID! Look, I know you really want a new, custom display, but your design is just not going to fit against this wall. If you were willing to move it to the other side of the store, then maybe, but…”

“Patrick, the math checks out.”

Patrick narrowed his eyes at his husband. “David, it doesn’t.”

“No, it does.” David rolled his eyes up to the ceiling, pulling down on his sweater. “We measured it like 5 times last night and agreed with the gap in the scheduling that…”

“Wait. We?”

The bell above the door rang and Patrick just knew who it was without turning around.

“So are we doing this or what, boys?” Ronnie said, dropping her toolbox on the ground. 

Patrick turned on his heel, plastering a grin on his face.

“Ronnie. Nice to see you.”

“Whatever.”

“Look, I know you and David have some plans but I’ve measured this morning and…”

“The math checks out, Brewer.” She turned her back to him, crouching down to open the toolbox.

“See. The math checks out.” David whispered in his ear. 

“Don’t.”


	31. D & D

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: When my grown ass husband finally disclosed to me AFTER we were already married that he plays Dungeons and Dragons (that picture of Oprah holding her hands up in shock) (3/9/2021)

“Patrick?” 

David paused as he heard Patrick’s feet bounding up the steps from the basement. Patrick practically threw himself through the door and slammed it shut, out of breath. David took a step back, raising an eyebrow at him.

“What are you doing?”

“What? Nothing.”

“Why were you in the basement?”

“Nothing. No. Moths.”

“What?”

“Moths. There were moths.”

“In the basement?”

“Yes.”

“You do realize that in my fear of moths I know a lot about them and they aren’t really basement kind of bugs.”

“Spiders.”

“What?!?”

“Spiders. There were spiders so I was…”

“Patrick, you hate spiders.”

“Bats.”

“Stop it. What were you doing?”

“Nothing.”

David looked his husband up and down, finally noticing what he was wearing.

“What in the hell is your shirt?”

Patrick’s eyes went wide as he looked down at his chest. “This thing? Oh… it’s just… an old shirt. I wear it a lot when I do stuff in the basement.”

“Patrick, I have never seen that shirt before. And it makes no sense. Choose your weapon? What does that even mean?”

“It’s nothing. Just a joke shirt my cousin sent me.”

“You just said it was an old shirt.”

Patrick’s eyes got wider than David had ever seen them. David was getting worried. 

“Patrick, tell me what the fuck is going on right now.”

Patrick sighed, dropping his head. “Ok. Ok, David. It’s just… so… there is one more thing I haven’t exactly shared with you yet and…”

“Worse than the nose thing?”

“No! I mean, it has kind of a reputation depending on what you know about it but it is something I started in high school and my cousins are really into it and everything so I got into it and…”

“Patrick, I swear to God, just spit it out.”

“Dungeonsanddragon” Patrick muttered under his breath. 

David shook his head. “What did you just say?”

“Dungeons and Dragons, ok? I play Dungeons and Dragons. I thought you were going to be out with Stevie all night and my cousin found this online site where we can all play together and…”

“Like… it’s a wizard game?”

“It’s actually very nuanced and there is a lot of strategy and it can be a little time consuming. Rachel used to…”

“RACHEL KNOWS ABOUT THIS!”

“Yeah. She’s the one who got me the posters and….”

“I’m sorry… posters?”

“Yeah, I was setting up all my D&D stuff in the basement because I figured you would never really venture down there and…”

David held up his hand as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. Patrick watched him scroll through his phone, hitting a contact and putting it up to his ear.

“David, who are you calling?”

“You hush… Rachel… so question… Patrick just told me something he has never told me before and apparently you know about it and support it which makes me question… YES it's the Dungeons and Dragons thing… So… you knew about this and you never once mentioned it…. DID YOU SAY CONS, like those fan things were people dress… I thought we were friends and…. I’m sorry… he’s…”

David pulled the phone down, resting it on his shoulder. Patrick could hear Rachel laughing through the phone. David closed his eyes, taking a long breath and letting it out.

“Patrick.”

“Yes David.”

“What the fuck is a Dungeon Master?”

  
  



	32. Chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eli McCann: Just texted my niece “I’m so glad your mom got out of prison before you were old enough to remember it” to cause some chaos. (3/9/2021)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obviously this one is way down the road. Maybe Alexis and Ted got back together. Maybe this is with someone else. Maybe Alexis decided to do the single mom thing like Mindy Kaling. Pick your poison.

Patrick pulled his phone out of his pocket while trying to juggle the bag of lunch from that diner in Elm Valley near the new store that David likes so much. It had been a long few months getting the third store off the ground, but they were finally leaving for an overdue vacation in two days, stopping to see Alexis and the kids on their way to two weeks on the beach. It was going to be heaven and it had been almost a year since they had been able to see Alexis.

Her name flashed on Patrick’s phone as it rang and he smiled.

“I was just thinking about you!”

“I’m going to kill your husband and burn him in a bonfire when you all get here I swear to GOD! He is SUCH A DICK and you are a fucking saint to stay married to him all these years!”

Patrick sighed as he opened the door to see David reviewing some paperwork with Connor and Emily. 

“Alexis…”

David started to laugh and Patrick actually heard her growl into the phone. “You are welcome, Patrick. He is sleeping on the street.”

“Ok, Alexis. I just don’t have any idea what is going on. I was in Elm Valley last night and…”

“Well then ask that human garbage can you pledged yourself too. I have to go deal with Nat.”

And with that, she hung up. David was doubled over, tears running down his face.

“She’s pretty mad.”

“Good” he said, regaining his composure.

“Do I want to know?”

“She had it coming, Patrick. She’s the one who went to the Rick Owens show and DID NOT get me the new shoes when we all know she can afford it. She bought herself something and didn’t get anything for me when I am the only reason she even knows about Rick Owens! She brought this on herself.”

“And so you…”

“I texted Natalie with ‘I’m so glad your mom got out of prison before you were old enough to remember it’ just for shits and giggles.”

“I may actually let her set you on fire this time, David.”


End file.
